How to Help Children Cope With Tragedy

Dear Princeton Families,

As parents, educators and community members, we are shaken as we grieve for the families and friends of the children and adults killed in the Newtown, Connecticut elementary school. As unthinkable as this tragedy is, and as difficult as it is for adults to respond to, it is likely to be beyond comprehension and beyond emotional capacity for our children.

As you consider your own child's needs in the hours and days ahead, these guidelines might be of assistance:

A National Tragedy: Helping Children Cope: Tips for Parents and Teachers

 Whenever a national tragedy occurs, such as terrorist attacks or natural disasters, children, like many people, may be confused or frightened. Most likely they will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react. Parents and school personnel can help children cope first and foremost by establishing a sense of safety and security. As more information becomes available, adults can continue to help children work through their emotions and perhaps even use the process as a learning experience.

All Adults Should:

• Model calm and control. Children take their emotional cues from the significant adults in their lives. Avoid appearing anxious or frightened.
• Reassure children that they are safe and (if true) so are the other important adults in their lives. Depending on the situation, point out factors that help insure their immediate safety and that of their community.
• Remind them that trustworthy people are in charge. Explain that the government emergency workers, police, fire fighters, doctors, and the military are helping people who are hurt and are working to ensure that no further tragedies occur.
• Let children know that it is okay to feel upset. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy like this occurs. Let children talk about their feelings and help put them into perspective. Even anger is okay, but children may need help and patience from adults to assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.
• Observe children’s emotional state.~ Depending on their age, children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child’s level of grief, anxiety or discomfort. Children will express their emotions differently. There is no right or wrong way to feel or express grief.
• Look for children at greater risk. Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others.~ Be particularly observant for those who may be at risk of suicide. Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.
• Tell children the truth. Don’t try to pretend the event has not occurred or that it is not serious. Children are smart. They will be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening.
• Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish or speculate about what has happened and what might happen. Don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy, particularly with young children.
• Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate. 

Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that the daily structures of their lives will not change. 

Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. 

Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. They will be more committed to doing something to help the victims and affected community. For all children, encourage them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener!

• Monitor your own stress level. Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talking to friends, family members, religious leaders, and mental health counselors can help. It is okay to let your children know that you are sad, but that you believe things will get better. You will be better able to support your children if you can express your own emotions in a productive manner. Get appropriate sleep, nutrition, and exercise.

What Parents Can Do:

• Focus on your children over the week following the tragedy. Tell them you love them and everything will be okay. Try to help them understand what has happened, keeping in mind their developmental level.
• Make time to talk with your children. Remember if you do not talk to your children about this incident someone else will. Take some time and determine what you wish to say.
• Stay close to your children. Your physical presence will reassure them and give you the opportunity to monitor their reaction. Many children will want actual physical contact. Give plenty of hugs. Let them sit close to you, and make sure to take extra time at bedtime to cuddle and to reassure them that they are loved and safe.
• Limit your child’s television viewing of these events. If they must watch, watch with them for a brief time; then turn the set off. Don’t sit mesmerized re-watching the same events over and over again.
• Maintain a “normal” routine. To the extent possible stick to your family’s normal routine for dinner, homework, chores, bedtime, etc., but don’t be inflexible. Children may have a hard time concentrating on schoolwork or falling asleep at night.
• Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed. These activities are calming, foster a sense of closeness and security, and reinforce a sense of normalcy. Spend more time tucking them in. Let them sleep with a light on if they ask for it.
• Safeguard your children’s physical health. Stress can take a physical toll on children as well as adults. Make sure your children get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
• Consider praying or thinking hopeful thoughts for the victims and their families. It may be a good time to take your children to your place of worship, write a poem, or draw a picture to help your child express their feelings and feel that they are somehow supporting the victims and their families.
• Find out what resources your school has in place to help children cope. Most schools are likely to be open and often are a good place for children to regain a sense of normalcy. Being with their friends and teachers can help.

In the Princeton Public Schools, our counselors and child study team members will be prepared to respond to individual student needs as pupils return to school on Monday. All of our employees will be especially watchful for children who seem to be worried, stressed and concerned. We ask that parents reach out to us with any needs so that we can guide children and families well. For additional information on school safety and crisis response visit www.nasponline.org.   

Additional print resources for parents are posted above and will be added to as more become available.   

Online resources are linked below:        

The National Association of School Psychologists        

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network        

The New York Times - "Motherlode- Adventures in Parenting" and   "Tips for Talking to Children about the Shooting."        

UMDMJ - Traumatic Loss Coalition - "Talking Points: Helping Children Following School Violence"

As parents and educators, we devote our lives to the safety, well-being and happiness of our children. Together we will take the next step forward, always keeping our young ones the center of our attention and care.

Judy Wilson

*Reprinted with permission from Princeton Public Schools*