Kids & Family

Why Family Dinners Matter

An op ed piece by Elizabeth M. Casparian, the executive director of HiTOPS Adolescent Health and Education Center in Princeton.

 

As the buzz builds around Family Dinner Week in Princeton (sponsored by Corner House, PADA and many local businesses and organizations), and I go through my weekend ritual of shopping, prepping and pre-organizing the meals for my own family so that we can reap the numerous benefits of sharing family meals together this week in our home, I am reminded of not just the food and various machinations required to bring a busy family together around a meal each night, but the WHYs as to its importance in our lives.  

I came across the research on the impact of family meals several years ago while I was preparing a parenting workshop entitled, “Risk-Proof Your Kids by Raising Self-Esteem.” The premise of the workshop was based on research that showed that teens with healthy self-esteem were less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, less likely to shoplift or participate in other criminal activity, were less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, and were generally more likely to graduate from high school. Healthy self-esteem - positive feelings of self-worth, a sense of connectedness to others in the world, a belief that one‘s presence, feelings, opinions matter – seemed to have a protective effect on teens behavior and decision-making. Nestled into this concept was a small piece of data that showed that the more often in a week that a teen had family meals the higher their self-esteem.

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What is it about the family meal experience that helps boost kid’s self-esteem and why does self-esteem matter so much?  First, what is the family meal? It does not have to be dinner – the key components are about the people who consider themselves part of the family, coming together and sharing a meal with one another, without television, cell phones or other purpose or entertainment.  It involves food, conversation and the expectation that everyone be there. In most instances, there is also an expectation that everyone who is there, helps to bring the event together, at least a little bit.  There is also research that shows that in families where even the youngest child is responsible for certain chores, there are similar reductions in risk behavior. Chores can  be as simple as setting the table, filling the water glasses, tossing the salad, calling the other members to the table – in addition to possible help with food preparation and post-meal clean up. Being expected to be with everyone else, having a place to be, people who want you there, and are disappointed when you are not, is a big deal.  

Not only does it make a kid feel good to know people want their presence, but it feels good to be part of something bigger than one’s self. A sense of belonging to a family, especially for awkward adolescents who may face daily exclusion from their cohorts at school, and constant peer scrutiny, can be significantly bolstered by having a place to go where they are unconditionally accepted – quirks, pimples and all.  

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Family meals give the adults in the family a chance to, not only say that they care about their kids, but to show it. A busy professional who is willing to put away his or her Blackberry, to refuse to take calls and who arrives for the meal at an appointed time is sending a very clear message that this place, this meal, this time, is the most important thing they have to do right now. Saying “I care” goes a long way. Being there, making time, and showing it, goes miles farther.
One study suggested that if a teen is expected to participate in a family meal – say, dinner each night at 6 p.m.- then they are less likely to have time to use drugs or alcohol, knowing that they must arrive sober and alert for the family meal. I am not sure if that has anything to do with self-esteem, but it makes a certain amount of sense to me.

In chaotic and stressful lives, the stability that a family meal provides, the comfort of its predictability, can be an oasis in a storm. Of course this is enhanced if the atmosphere of the meal is relatively peaceful and stress-free – but even in a loud, boisterous family, the familiar relationships, sounds and smells provide a safety net for everyone.

When a family has ‘normal’ or typical patterns of relating to one another and the adults regularly observe their children’s moods and behaviors around the family meal, it is much easier to notice when something is off or different.  Families who spend time together around the table, are more likely to be able to identify problems early, and intervene before things have gone too far  While teens might complain about being watched and scrutinized by parents, it is also deeply satisfying when someone notices that you are blue, and comments, or tries to help.   

In a town like Princeton which has a strong sense of community, which is walkable, where people know one another well, where many people have lived there while lives, and are part of the history of the town, we have many advantages already.  This does not mean that our young people are perfect – trust me, they take risks and make mistakes just like everywhere else. However, the best advantage of our community,  is that so many of us can make family dinner possible, we can give our children attention and love by making time and listening, in addition to providing nutritious food (local and organic too – but hey – let’s not go there this time!)

No matter what the exact mechanism, no matter what is being served, and no matter where the table is – the gathering around the table as often as we can, still seems to be the best way to provide the best odds for raising healthy, productive and happy families.  

Thanks Corner House for reminding us.

Elizabeth M. Casparian, PhD is the Executive Director of HiTOPS Adolescent Health and Education Center in Princeton.  She has been a parenting expert for the past 25 years, with having provided numerous parenting presentations, articles and appearances on MSNBC, the CBS Morning Show and several local news outlets.


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