What does parenting have to do with gardening? Quite a bit, according to family therapist and behavioral health expert George Scott, who recently addressed parents of middle and high school-age children at Princeton High School as part of the Princeton Balance Speakers Series.

In his presentation, “Raising Healthy Children: Paying Attention to their Struggles,” Scott outlined, in a kind yet straight-talking manner, what it takes to be a good parent-gardener.

“This involves tilling the soil, planting seeds, and then fertilizing, watering and weeding,” said Scott, explaining that the fertilizers are the words and messages we use when addressing our children. Scott, who began his career as a speech therapist and is currently a coordinator for the Traumatic Loss Coalition, never underestimates the power of words.

The watering involves knowing how often we should pay attention. Likening children who are overly controlled by their parents to “pot-bound plants,” Scott stated that parents need to strike a balance between being attentive and giving kids some space to grow. “You need to be invisible sometimes to let them practice the good stuff you’ve been teaching them. At stages, they need space to try things,” said Scott.

The weeding involves removing the negative influences in order to allow the good to flourish. “Children want to succeed,” noted Scott. "Bad behavior’ is your cue to look deeper.” In particular, he recommends looking at what is causing the behavior, which is usually a symptom of an underlying problem the child is struggling with.

Noting that the phrase 'spare the rod, spoil the child' actually refers to the gentle re-directing that a shepherd used to steer his sheep from danger, Scott is not an advocate of harsh discipline. “Problem solving, not punishment, teaches responsibility," he said.

So how should parents use that shepherd’s rod to gently steer their children on a healthy, productive path? By gathering them close as part of an accepting, open family environment.

Citing recent research, Scott noted that even having dinner together as a family as little as once a week has been shown to reduce risky behavior among children. “If you really want to get their attention, light a candle," he said. "They’ll really wonder what is going on.”

This is a recipe for connectedness, which is crucial to raising healthy children. “They are not going to connect unless you do the work. Connections will strengthen your relationship to your children,” said Scott.

A take-away from Scott’s talk: No matter how great the challenges in parenting, how seemingly insurmountable the difficulties, there is always room for change.

“It’s never too late,” Scott reminded parents. “Ever. Change happens.”

To contact George Scott, e-mail him at ngscott02@comcast.net. 

Assenka Oksiloff is the communciations manager for Princeton Regional Schools. For a copy of George Scott's PowerPoint presentation, email Assenka_Oksiloff@monet.prs.k12.nj.us.